Frequently Asked Questions

             Last summer we had a running tally in the back of the store of stupid questions that the customers ask. This summer, every night as we begin the drones and subconscious states of cleaning up, we review the idiots of the evening and run through the most hilarious comments made or questions asked. Here is where I will share some of my favorites, and what I’d really like to respond with, with you:

• How small is the small? Small. If you want something smaller than a small don’t eat ice cream.
• Do you have vanilla? No. We’re an ice cream parlour and we have over 40 flavors but no vanilla. OF COURSE WE HAVE VANILLA!! And we even have soft or hard.
• Or the reverse question: What kind of vanillas do you have? Uhh, vanilla. It’s the plainest thing you could possibly get in the world so if you’re looking for varieties of plain you must live a riveting life.
• What’s in the “Chocolate Cupcake”? Strawberries, caramel, and some frozen avocado for good measure. What do you think is in the “chocolate cupcake?”

           Now, if you think about it, these questions can be legitimate. Yet, it is the way in which they are asked that make them so hilarious for those of us behind the counter. Here’s what they should be saying so that we won’t make fun of them:

• How many scoops do you get in a small versus a medium?
• May I please have vanilla?
• Is your vanilla French vanilla or vanilla bean?
• Is the “chocolate cupcake” a flavor of ice cream or does it actually have pieces of cupcake in it?

           See, folks, was that so hard? We know what you are trying to say, but if you can’t say it we’re just going to make fun of you because we have way too many customers to deal with during our rush that ask the same dumb questions.

            Is there no common sense left in the world? Why don’t we think about what we say before we say it? It is so difficult to come in to the store, take a look around, read the ice cream list, scan our cup sizes displayed, and then open your mouth? We really couldn’t have made it any easier for you because we have flavor lists posted in three different spots around the store for convenient perusing, and we have the cups literally hanging above the register so you can’t miss them. Not only that, but we have a frequently asked questions sign that explains what’s in some of the most popular flavors! Yet somehow, all of these items seem to become invisible as soon as someone walks through the door. Why can’t we rely on ourselves to figure things out before we jump to asking stupid questions?

I’ve learned that people become overwhelmed very easily, and instead of sifting through everything they are given they choose not to bother with it and bother us instead. It reminds me of when I was little and I didn’t know the meaning of a word. My mom would tell me to go get a dictionary and look it up. I thought that was stupid, though, because it would take a lot less time for her to just tell me. I didn’t realize back then that everything you need to know is really given to you, you just have to be willing to find it. Otherwise, you go around asking questions that others know the answer to because they read all the signs and you don’t end up looking inquisitive, you just look stupid. So is it lack of common sense that provokes these questions we receive nightly, or is it laziness perpetuated by the consumption of a hot fudge sundae? Are you stupid or just lazy? Either way the solution is simple: read the signs!

Still Screaming